Jonathan Ball Publishers has shared an excerpt from Coconut Kelz’s Guide to Surviving This Shithole!

When she was last spotted on the crossroads of Swart and Gevaar Roads, Coconut Kelz was drinking Woolies water and spreading her ‘truth bombs’ about the state of the nation, why corruption is okay when white people do it and why black people don’t win in life …

‘There is only one way to survive and thrive in the Third World, and that is by being as Caucasian as you possibly can. Fact: White people have it easier in life because they deserve it.’

Coconut Kelz (‘Kelello, but call me Kelz!’) is a young Caucasian woman trapped in a black woman’s body. Kelz lives in – and tries never to leave – Sandton and is a staunch member of the DA. She often takes issue with her reverse racist dad, while her mother has to remind her that Braai Day is actually called Heritage Day.

With handy tips on how to achieve the white right standard of beauty, how to catch yourself a white guy (‘elongate your vowels, get yourself into white spaces’), the best suburbs to live in and how to host the perfect Caucasian shindig, Kelz offers a complete guide for a full Caucasian conversion. She also shares her thoughts on the differences between race groups, the top three political parties, public transport, how to avoid contact with sgebengas and why one should never stray beyond the Line of Caucus.

Coconut Kelz’s adoration of all things white has riled up many unsuspecting viewers. Of course the real butt of the joke is the white South Africans whose prejudice and dishonesties are laid bare by this character.

About the author

Lesego Tlhabi is the comedian behind the satirical character Coconut Kelz. Lesego completed a BA (Honours) in Theatre at Brunel University in London in 2014. The previous year she obtained a diploma in Musical Theatre from the New York Film Academy and a Diploma in TV Writing from Columbia University.

She currently works as a content producer and scriptwriter for a variety of entertainment news shows and reality competition shows, including V-Entertainment and All Access Mzansi. She writes and shoots all the Coconut Kelz videos herself.

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Chapter 10
Put on your political party pants

I am always asked for my opinion on really big news stuff. I am the beacon that all my friends use to shine the light on the truth of politics, race, beauty tips and … whatevs.

I’m also a junior Democratic Alliance member in the token department (I’m hoping this guide will get me promoted to senior token). Of course, Mmusi is the most senior token. There’s tons of opportunity in the DA so I will continue to spread the good message and impress Helen – she makes all the decisions after all (but I’m sure you knew that). Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.

This is my guide to the top three parties and their leaders because you need to know how to conduct yourself when people start talking politics. To complete your Caucasian conversion, you must be clear about who the good guys and the bad guys are.

With the increase in support for the Freedom Front Plus (FF+) , it is clear that there is a yearning for a golden time more than twenty-five years ago where marriages were kept pure and sgebenga movement was restricted in our pristine suburbs. They may not be one of the top three parties, but FF+ support is completely acceptable.

Of course, I am a DA member eternal (even if Mmusi seems to be turning on Helen) – there was a ritual and stuff. I can’t leave unless I go to ‘Harvard’ and I’m not going there! In the following analysis I will be completely free from bias, unlike Euse-BIAS; 702 has become soooo captured, you guys! Good thing I’m here to spread the truth.

 

The EFF
Despite the increased support they got in the national elections, the least important of the big three parties is the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF). I call them the Economic Fake Front (just a tip here – to make it in politics, you have to be really good at puns: white people love puns).

This party you will recognise by their horrible red overalls. They all dress like gardeners and maids. This already tells you all you need to know about what they want to turn this country into. They want us all to be poor!

Also, the colour red is so very aggressive. I mean, in what colour is the devil usually drawn? Yes, you got it – red.

Furthermore, the leaders tshontsha money all the time. How else can Julius drive a Range Rover if he’s a gardener? Think about it.

Julius Malema: Julius is president of the EFF and the very definition of a thug. And remember, guys, this is an unbiased and researched opinion. I took a survey at the DA head offices and everyone said so, so you know it’s true.

He rose to prominence under the most famous South African sgebenga of all time, Jacob Zuma. Just a few years ago, he was the president of the ANC Youth League and now he’s all like ‘pay back the money’. I know, right!

He got into a big fight with Jacob, or something like that. They were frenemies but now they’re real enemies. This is like when I was in varsity and my ex-friend Megan told everyone my real name when I specifically asked her not to and she said I’m not woke. That would mean I’m asleep, Megan! And I couldn’t be writing this if I’m asleep. Think about it!

Anyway, now we’re not friends and she owes me R7 000 from our Tashas dinners, I counted. And she won’t pay back the money. This is exactly what happened with JZ and Julius, so I get it.

Julius only had a matric until, like, yesterday when he clearly bought his degree. You can tell that because he can barely speak English. I speak English very well. All the white people I meet compliment me on it and it’s such an amazing feeling to know that they recognise that in me as I’m trying really hard.

You’ll recognise Julius as the dude who is always shouting in Parliament. He’s always saying ‘point of order’ really loudly and interrupting people. He never even says ‘excuse me’. How can you trust someone who doesn’t have manners?

And he also wants to nationalise everything, including farms! My friends’ parents and grandparents worked really hard to get those farms in the colonial and/or apartheid days. They were really polite about it. They asked people to please move out so they could make food for us. That’s really cool because otherwise we wouldn’t have any food.

Black people don’t know how to farm. I mean, they do the labour and know the lay of the land but white people are the ones who come up with the ideas. So, without a boss, black people will only be standing there doing crimes or whatever.

Malema is also such a reverse racist. He sings about killing the boers! I mean, if a white person were to do that, everyone would be up in arms, but nooo, there are no consequences for Malema because this country protects blacks.

In conclusion, he’s the worst.

Floyd Shivambu: Now don’t be fooled, old Shivambs is another Julius. His brother, Brian (they really trick you with these good old-fashioned Caucasian names, don’t they?) was part of the now-defunct VBS Bank.

I have to mention that I would never trust a bank that was started in Limpopo. Venda people are the darkest and the mistrust level of a black person is directly proportionate to how much melanin he or she has. Anyway, those VBS people stole a whole lot of money, or was it diamonds or cars? I’m not really sure because the news is so boring, LOL.

But I know that it was bad because the DA was really vocal about it. And we are only vocal about things that really matter, like colonialism.

Anyway, Shivambu was also part of the ANC. There’s not much more to say. This is someone who scares me.

Dali Mpofu: He defended Patricia de Lille so he’s the worst of them all. He literally betrayed Helen, who actually liked him. There is nothing more to say. He’s dead to me.

Mbuyiseni Ndlozi: He’s actually cute for a black guy. He’s the only decent one there, really. It’s a pity the DA didn’t get him sooner: he’d make a great puppet leader because even the blacks like him. Don’t get it twisted, though, I’m still strictly vanilla – but ja, a decent oke.

The one good thing they can stand on is that they all have degrees, unlike so many of those ANC politicians, but that’s about all that is commendable about them. The bad thing is that, if they get into power, the last remaining white people will move back to Europe and then it’s literal dark times for this country. That’s not okay.

 

ANC
Speaking of the ANC (?), this is by far the most corrupt party that has ever led South Africa! Even more so than the National Party. Because even though apartheid was bad, it wasn’t as bad as Nkandla! Like, Jacob really let Mandela down. This is not what he meant when he made the famous ‘I Have a Dream’speech upon his release from jail in, like, the olden days.

And my reverse-racist dad always says that the NP was even more corrupt but I’m, like, where’s the evidence? Okay, so black people weren’t allowed to move freely and they were arrested but that was only the sgebengas (Mandela was more of a ‘wrong place, wrong time’ kind of person and that’s why De Klerk forgave him and he became a hero; also, he created the term ‘rainbow nation’).

Cyril Ramaphosa: Cyril is one of the good ones. We white people and white-adjacents all celebrated when he became president. This is because he took walks on the promenade and he was already rich, which means he won’t steal white people’s stolen land.

All the black people are complaining that petrol keeps going up and they want to blame good ol’ Cyril for it but maybe if they didn’t tshontsha cars and actually worked hard for once, they’d be able to afford it.

Cyril also has a game farm and it’s so beautiful. And he is Patrice Motsepe’s brother-in-law so that’s more reason to trust him. Patrice is really one of the very best blacks. He’s brought Beyoncé to South Africa, so #thinkaboutit.

Malusi Gigaba: While Malusi is not that important in the greater scheme of things he is the personification of this party so I’ll touch on him.

Firstly, he is verrry dark, guys. And secondly, his eyes are verrrry close together, like a predator in the wild. These two things alone tell you everything you need to know. Also, he is friends with the Guptas and that already spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Not-so-fun fact: his phone password is 000000 like Kanye’s and that’s how everyone always knows his secrets. For someone nicknamed Gigabyte, he doesn’t know much about technology.

Jacob Zuma: Old Zoom Zoom away (you see, more puns!) may be ‘retired’ but we’re not taking our eyes off that one. A sgeb is forever plotting. Even today, he is always dancing and singing. Only if you have something to hide do you sing and dance that much. It’s a distraction technique to blind the black people into thinking he is nice and friendly like . But he’s more like the Gremlins.

Zuma even dropped out of school, like, in kindergarten so how do you trust someone who draws pictures and can only count to eleventy? And he is always laughing. He’s laughing at us. I know it.

The reason why Zuma is so bad is because he let the Gupta and those Watsons from Bosasa buy South Africa. I didn’t even know our country was for sale or I would’ve asked my dad to buy it for me for my birthday. We’re rich, so he can afford it.

Anyway, unlike the DA, the cANCer sponsors are not white. This means they are dangerous and only want to enrich other non-white people. This is not good. Can you imagine a world with white helpers and black bosses? Yikes. Chaos!

In short, there is nothing good about the cANCer. Nothing at all. Everything is bad. Well, excluding Uncle Cyril, of course, but he’s not enough to save the party.

 

Democratic Alliance
Undoubtedly, and without bias, the best party South Africa has ever had is the DA. The party was started before I was born and back then it was called the Democratic Party. The first leader I became aware of was Tony Leon, may his mercy endure forever.

This was the party that brought apartheid to an end. Everyone in the DA says they voted ‘For’ in the 1992 whites-only referendum. Yes, if it wasn’t for the freedom fighters and finger-waggers, there would still be all those evil laws.

None of the white people who support the DA ever supported apartheid … and if they did, they obviously had their reasons. At least they are woke enough to lie about it now because when you know better, you do better.

This is the only party in which the rainbow nation ideals still stand strong. It’s not BEE compliant because BEE is a ruse to get white people to leave the country and that’s called reverse apartheid.

Helen Zille: Her full title within the party is ‘Eternal Leader and Natural Blonde Goddess Supreme. The One Who Single-handedly Fought for Our Freedom and for the Right to Compliment Colonialism, Helen Gogo Zille’. Helen is a role model because she went right up to the apartheid government and asked to speak to the manager; when she went through, they knew it was over scadovers.

A while ago she was confronted by some controversy due to a few ungrateful blacks who disagreed with her opinions about colonialism. Look, the fact of the matter is that, before Jan van Riebeeck came and liberated the savage Africans, they were hunting and gathering.

On his boat he brought Kumon maths, English tutors and tailors to make cute clothes for everyone. We literally wouldn’t have maths if not for the white people who kindly bought it from Egypt, which technically is in Africa but whatever. We are grateful.

We would still be running around the jungle if not for that. And yes ‘blah blah atrocities’, but guys, would you rather not have had apartheid and slavery but still be living in the jungle? I mean, technically there is no jungle here, and globalisation would have brought all the advancements, some of which were thanks to Africans anyway, but that’s not the point.

I digress. Helen speaks isiXhosa, which she learnt from Clicking For Dummies, and she hugs black babies and stirs pots in the township. Your fave could never!

Mmusi Maimane: Mmusi took over from that ungrateful Lindiwe. People always ask where he came from with, like, three years’ experience but hello, you can get a degree in three years (which he did at the University of Quota, majoring in Tokenism). Obviously, quota systems only work if they benefit white people everyone.

When Lindiwe decided to turn on the DA after everything Helen did for her – sorry, I’m still upset – Mmusi was voted most likely to appeal to black voters who can’t see what’s going on and obviously white voters coz he speaks so well and he has a beautiful pearly-white wife.

Mmusi is the leader. But he’s obvs not the leader leader. Because that will always be Helen. He is a good leader-ish, though, and a great mouthpiece. Helen says that is what they call loyal blacks. I can’t wait to be a mouthpiece.

The other people like Belinda Bozzoli, Natasha Mazzone and many more make the DA feel like family. Well, the family that gives you the other crockery. But I prefer having my own crockery anyway because #germaphobe.

This is the only party that looks after the rights of white people everyone so well. It only makes sense that you would leave whichever third-grade party you have invested in and join the DA today!

 

I hope my political wisdom and thorough research (some of which will be published in my master’s thesis with the working title Die Real Stem: DA ambitions and glory from the beginning until forever) really makes you think about the party you associate with.

Don’t vote for the ANC and then complain when they take your money. And stop asking when the DA will fix Khayelitsha and the inequality in Cape Town and focus on the good – the Atlantic Seaboard is gorgeous and when you’re there it feels like you’re in Europe.

This is not my opinion … it’s fact, guys. Wikipedia it – you know Wikipedia is the most factual and honest source on the internet. Everything else is fake news (except, of course, the DA website).

Categories Non-fiction South Africa

Tags Book excerpts Book releases Coconut Kelz Coconut Kelz's Guide to Surviving this Shithole Jonathan Ball Publishers Lesego Tlhabi